Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye And in Christ, there is no end So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have To see you again To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now


WOW! what a song, I have always loved this song. Today as I am sitting here at the computer and pondering over my life and things that occur and happen, this song came on the radio. Just this morning we heard that my Great Aunt Betty passed away last night. She was very old and was very special to my family. She will be greatly missed and was greatly loved. But I do know that she was saved and I will see her one day again in Heaven. Praise God I know that much :) That does bring a smile to my face.

Knowing that one day I will be in Heaven and there will be no pain, THANK GOD!!!, and I will see all the loved ones that have gone on to be with the Lord, give me hope. I cant wait till the day when God will wipe away all my tears and I no longer live in pain from a day to day bases, that is exciting in itself.

Priceless :))

Sheetrock-$12 a sheet, Mudd-$10 a box, Paint-$25 a gallon........The look on moms face when she found her switch plates- Priceless!!!!

Today we ventured out into our shed to look for my shoes and moms switch plates. We finally finished a room and some walls in the hallway and mom decided that she wanted her switch plates to put up. She has been looking, but to no avail. Today, we found them =) It was so much fun to find stuff that we have been looking for. I was very excited to find my shoes fro winter. It is getting cold and when we packed the house I packed my winter stuff. Now that it is cold, I really need them!!!! I have the most awesome boots and was dying to wear them, now I can!!! I am just so excited!!!! Today was a mission accomplished!!! We found what we were looking for. And hey, I get to move out of the living room this weekend!!! SWEETT!!!!!!

Learning how to bend...

There is this country song by Gary Allen called "Learning How to Bend" That is what I am learning these days. Learning how to grow up and be a better person, learning to deal with what life throws at me. Here lately that has been really challenging.

I like to often read books that give me insight. I recently found one on how guys think. Well it is more like what they want to find in a girl. It is called "Guys like girls who....." By Chad Eastham. I finished it today, it was a very good book. I learned alot in this one book. I have often had trouble with the whole relationship thing. I have said it before but I have a problem with the fear of losing the man in my life. One chapter talks about how the guy wants to be left alone sometimes and that is an issue I have met face to face. He says that the girl will often spend most her time thinking bout the guy and then when the guy doesn't spend most his time thinking bout her she gets upset. This does not actually mean that they guy doesn't like the girl any more (who would have thunk it??) Due to the fact that guys brains are like waffles and girls brains are like spaghetti (you just have to read this book) it only really means that the guy can only really focus on one thing at a time. See me for example, I can be thinking about 20 different things at one time and still be able to hold a conversation, Todd not so much! LOL he can only focus on one thing at a time. Which I find just completely amazing. And of course he finds it amazing that I can focus on more than one thing.

As I was reading this book I would come across something that the author said and would either text or call Todd and ask him if that something was really true. And of course he would say yes. Every time I would mention something about this book he would laugh and ask if there was a book about what girls want in a guy....I found that quite funny. But really this book had just caught my eye and I had to read it. It has been one of the best books that I have read on dating. Learning that a guy wants a girl that is comfortable being who she is and not trying to be someone else. Or a girl that is healthy and not afraid to say NO.

Also learning the difference between a "healthy guy" and an "unhealthy guy" was very enlightening. While reading about the difference in a healthy guy and an unhealthy guy I have been able to realize I have dated both and I am so glad I have a healthy guy now =) I know that reading this book will help me and Todd in our relationship.

I would definitely recommend this book to everyone one I know!!! I am gonna share it with all of my friends and maybe they too will find what I have found.

Well to continue on the learning how to bend thing, not only have I been learning in my relationships but also in my life in general. Learning to go with the flow and do what is required of me, not because I want to to but because it is necessary. Just because we want what we want as human beings doesn't give us the right to get what we want. We must learn how to bend even when we don't want to.

Strong cookie???

I have always told people that I was a strong cookie....I thought I was tough and able to handle anything that was thrown my way. Well these days I am not so tough. This cookie is crumbling. It has been very hard dealing with the arthritis and the back pain and all the other stuff in my life. I am trying to trust that God has a plan and he will work it out but it is harder than it seems, when you feel so bad all the time and I wonder why I have to go through this at this point in my life. Now that I don't think I am so tough anymore, I have people tell me "you will be ok, you are a tough cookie" I always smile and say I sure hope so. My prayer is that this can be fixed without surgery. I do know this, I am not alone. I have my family and Todd there with me, and most of all...I have God. I know that they will be there encouraging me.

Stronger for it...........I think????

Ever thought that you pretty much had about all you could take and that nothing else go wrong in your life??? well I think we have all been there.....as a matter of fact I am there. I have been struggling with my arthritis for four years now and then school, graduation, flood, and now the process of rebuilding and more school ( just harder) and some other things that I have been struggling with has all been a little bit of a challenge. Well to make it all a little bit more fun, almost two weeks ago on Sunday my leg began to hurt, I thought it as nothing but everyday instead of getting better it got worse. I went to the doctor on Wednesday of that week and she thought it could be nerve related so she wanted me to do and MRI on the following Monday. She gave me crutches to walk with cuz I could barely walk on my left foot at all. I was so worried but I kept praying and having faith it would get better. Well my parents went out of town and my friend Shawna was staying with me and we went and did some stuff that weekend and I was feeling bad on Sunday so I tried to call in to work and not go but they were insisting that I come in. Well I called my nurse and talked to her about how it was doing and told her that at times it was turning purple and she told me I needed to go to the ER. So I hobbled to where Shawna was and told her we had to go to the ER. So we headed to the hospital. I called my parents and told them and called mu uncle to come up there with me. As I was in the ER I was worried and scared and didn't know what to think. The did x-rays and an ultrasound and still couldn't find why my whole leg hurt form my foot to my back. They gave me medicine and sent me home. I proceeded with my MRI on Monday and was doing a little better, well I could walk without my crutches. I went out with Todd and met his dad, went to school the next day and was ok. I decided that I would call yesterday and see if they had the results yet. They did.

I have a protruding disk in my lower back which was causing pressure and the pain. All I could do was sit there and cry. I don't need this I have enough issues is all I could say. This sudden feeling of fear and some anxiety came over me and I couldn't stop crying. I have and appointment with a Neurosurgeon this coming Tuesday and we will see what they say. I am very scared of the whole idea of surgery. But I know my God is bigger and he will give me strength. I just need prayer. I will make it through.

YAY and NAY

Well we found out this past week or so that Todd will not be going to Iraq...(that's the YAY) But my brother is in Afghanistan...(that's the NAY) When he told us he was leaving I was very sad but then they kept delaying his leaving so I was thinking maybe they will cancel his deployment. But this past Monday he flew out, I found out and I just wanted to cry, I mean its my brother out there fighting for my freedom. I had to take a moment to pray and regroup.

Sometimes I wonder why people always want to go to war. Its always the civilians that want us to go to war, they don't understand the impact that war has on the families of the guys that are over there. They leave their comfort zone and go fight for them and some of them just don't even care, they are not even grateful. Me, coming from a military family and my brother and boyfriend in the military, want to tell these people to get a grip and I want them to see how hard it is. If they could walk in my sister-in-laws shoes or mine or my moms and see how hard it is on the families they would not be screaming for us to go to war, instead they would be begging for us NOT to go. But of course I cant make them understand because well they just wont.

I don't know what brought that thought on but it is always on my mind. I am very thankful that they serve to protect my freedoms. Todd, Robert, and my dad are all my heroes, I love them all and pray with all my heart that Robert comes home to his wife and son. But I am thankful that Todd is not going anywhere, and dad, well dad is retired so he ain't going anywhere either :)

Well that was my thought for today, I am going to bed now.

Been there...Done that...Got the t-shirt

I love that saying..."been there...done that.....got the t-shirt" I have many times said that in my few years of life. Well yesterday my good friend I graduated high school with text me and told me that her boyfriend of the past 7 months broke up with her. I was so incredibly shocked!!!! If you knew my friend you would understand why it was soooo shocking. She has not been the one to hold a relationship for that amount of time. I really thought that she had found some one that really was good for her.

She was soo happy and I loved seeing her like that. The joy that was in her cuz she was just so happy. And to get that text my heart just dropped into my stomach. I stopped and then began to text her back. I asked her what happened and she explained what he said and then asked me to call him and ask him what was going on. I told her of course I would. So I did. He didn't answer but he did call me back and I talked to him for a good 20 minutes. He told me that he felt like this was what God wanted for his life and it was very hard for him. He felt like he was pretending to love her and just didn't feel right. I talked to him about it and I told him that I knew how he felt. I have "been there...done that.." After I hung up with him I just sat in the jeep in the parking lot and began to cry. Not for me but because I knew this was going to be hard to be her friend because I know how she feels and how he feels. I have been in both there shoes. I didn't know what I was going to tell her, I mean I am her friend and I know what she wants me to say but I know its not what she needed to hear. I knew that I needed to be what she needed not what she wanted.

I prayed and texted her back and she immediately called me. I was nervous....She asked what he said. I began with the conversation saying that I am not going to say what she wanted me to say but what she needed. I told her what he said and his side of the story. Before she could say anything i kept talking. I began to explain to her that I know where he is coming form and where she is coming from. I encouraged her the best I knew how and was in prayer the whole time. She accepted it quite well. I explained to her that God puts us through trials to sometimes teach us things. When we don't learn those things he will keep putting us through them until we learn our lesson. I personally know how that goes, "been there...done that.." "still there...still doing that.."

Some days I often sit and think about my life and the things that God has let me go through. I have lived with arthritis now for five years. That in itself is a struggle, and constant battle. I am so thankful that God has brought me through what he has and made me who I am today. The past year or so has been very difficult for me not only spiritually but emotionally and physically. Four days after my high school graduation (five months ago) my house flooded and God brought another trial of faith into my life. There have been many days when the stress and anxiety of having a disaster zone for your home gets to you. the place you call home is supposed to be a place you want to go when you want to get away from the world. Not me, when I want to get away from the world home is the last place I want to go. It has been a journey that I some days hope ends very soon but is still going on day by day by day. And day by day I am learning something new, how to trust and have faith, love people no matter what. Give even when no gives to you.

I have had my selfish moments when I think to myself, "why help them, they don't help me?" But then... I think bout the times when I have helped people and feel so much better. Like yesterday. I didn't have to stay on the phone with Candace for an hour, I didn't have to encourage her or stop and pray with her, giver her verses to read that will help her. I didn't have to. But I felt so much better after I did. Often times when we don't want to give but we do it anyway we get so much more in return than we could ever imagine. I was on an emotional high after I got off the phone with her. i felt like God really used me in her life.

Looking back on my life and what I have been through, I am grateful that God did what he did in my life so that I was able to help someone else through there struggle..because, "been there...done that...got the t-shirt..."

Happiness is the best medicine (at least to me)

OK so its been a couple months I think since Todd and I have been dating. I say I think because I just have not been keeping count. I figured the last two times I had a boyfriend I did and it didn't last very long...so I thought I should change some things. My life has been very chaotic since last May and with everything that has been going on I have been having some battles in my life. Not only physical struggles but emotional struggles and spiritual struggles. I have always wanted a man that would go to church with me not because I wanted him to go but because he wanted to go. I want a man that I can have talks about Bible stuff with and wont turn his nose up at it. Well when Todd and I had just started talking he brought the subject of church up and asked if I went to church, I said yes and told him where I went. We were just friends and he would go when he was able to, which is due to his funky work schedule.

Well when we actually started becoming interested in each other he wanted to go to church with me. He would go with me when he was not at work to begin with. Well he begin to slip and he begin to hit and miss. So I thought to myself " here we go again just another guy that was going cuz I wanted him to." I started e-mailing his mother and we talked about some things and she was so glad that he was in church still and I thought to myself that he only goes every now and then. I didn't want to tell her that though so I just kept my mouth shut. He went home in September for his brothers wedding and of course went with his family. Well after he came home his mom started calling me. she asked me the other day when she called me if he was going to church and that she was worried that he wasn't going to go any more, I just sat for a sec and thought to myself. I then told her that I was too, but all I can do is pray that God will work in his heart and he will want to go back to church. She agreed with me and that was the end of that conversation.

My heart has been heavy for alot of things. I know that I am not perfect but God loves me any way. I know I have made some really bad choices and the past year and regret every one of them. I have done some things that I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have done. I have asked for forgiveness over and over again. I know that God casts our sins as far as the east is from the west but I just some how don't know how he could forgive me when I still feel so bad about it. This is where that spiritual battle comes in. I have issues with having faith and trust. Trust is a hard thing for me when I have been lied to over and over by people that I trusted with my life and heart. Faith comes into play when I have no one to turn to when I need them and having to have faith that God is going to be there for me. He hasn't failed me yet. But still sometimes there is always that underlying doubt that he will, even though I know he will not.

I guess trusting and having faith go hand in hand. well anyway back to Todd :) he has been soo good to me. He has been the one person that I have been able to trust. (still hard even though I do trust him) I have had issues with trust in the past two relationships. And he has taught me that no matter what I think in my head that he will still be there. I have this problem that when they don't call I think that they don't like me or something and I have been trying to learn that that may not always be the case. He has been very helpful in that venture. I have gotten so much better. I believe that right now in my life he has been my angel. He has in my eyes saved me from so many things that I could have done and from who I could have been. If not for him I would still be in a relationship that would have gotten me nowhere in life. He gave me the strength to walk away and never look back, and for that I will always be grateful.

But needless to say I always here people say that "laughter is the best medicine." Well in my opinion "happiness is the best medicine." Because right now I am happy, I still have my battles I must fight but I am happy with what God has given me.

Its my party and I will cry if I want to!!!!

Well tomorrow is my birthday, Big 19. I am soo very excited, some people dont get excited when its there birthday, but me on the other hand, I always get excited when this day comes. I guess cuz it can be all about me all day long!!! Thats awesome LOL. Well since tomorrow is Todds work weekend and he cant take me tomorrow night we are going out tonight. He is taking me to my favorite restaurant in the world, Olive Garden. Then we are gonna go see a movie. I wanted t o get all dolled up cuz he has never seen me dressed up before so I thought what a perfect night for him to see. I went and bought a new dress and new shoes, my present to myself, and went and got my nails done and am doing my hair really pretty. I hope we have a blast!!!

Well since it turned out that I have to work tomorrow night as well my parents decided that they would take me out to lunch on Sunday and invited some other people to come as well. I am very excited about this weekend!!!

Oh my,my my.......

Well lets see, since I wrecked my car the insurance decided to total it, which is a big BUMMER!!!!!!! I am now car less again and will be for a very long time. I don't have the money to buy another car or can even think about buying another car. I am upside down on my loan I had taken out so now I have to pay that off. I have debt to my parents that I must pay off....OH yeah I almost forgot the speeding ticket and school costs!!! I have come up with a payment plan but I don't know how well that will work. I started a new job this week. I am now working at the Bx on the Air Force Base here in town. I am liking it so far. It is much better than my other job that's for sure. Its much more convenient for me at this point in life. It is right down the street from school and across the street from Todd. So it all works perfectly. Hopefully and prayerfully I will be able to get out of this debt I am in and be able to spend money..... I miss spending money :(

Todd and I are officially dating!!! I love to be able to say he is my boyfriend!!! He makes me sooo happy I can't even explain how much. The fact that I don't feel like I have to work at keeping him is wonderful. Even sometimes I still have that fear that the smallest mistake will drive him away but I must keep reassuring myself that it wont. I can be "me" around him and all he will do is smile and laugh at the stupid little things I do. Or he will just call me a dork. This week he is home in South Carolina :( I really wish I could have gone with him but due to my new job and school, and that speeding ticket I mentioned earlier, I couldn't go. I was very sad that he is going to be gone a whole week but he planned this trip before he met me so I can't complain. I just hope he has fun with his family, and misses me :) He is still supposed to be going to Iraq in December of this year, but you never know with the military. They change their mind all the time. But we as a couple are doing great. We couldn't be happier!!!!

School is going good. I took my first quiz last Friday and my first math test today. We will see how they turned out sometime this week. I hope I did good!! I haven't fallen down any more stairs lately, I hold onto the rails now!! It has been a little challenging getting back and forth from school and home and work but we are making it work. I have Todd who sometimes brings me home or we will just hang in between classes or between class and work. Which makes getting around much easier. I have been walking a lot lately though.

Well I have had a very busy day and another very busy day ahead of me tomorrow. i have to work go to school and go back to work. Sounds fun doesn't it??