Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye And in Christ, there is no end So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have To see you again To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now


WOW! what a song, I have always loved this song. Today as I am sitting here at the computer and pondering over my life and things that occur and happen, this song came on the radio. Just this morning we heard that my Great Aunt Betty passed away last night. She was very old and was very special to my family. She will be greatly missed and was greatly loved. But I do know that she was saved and I will see her one day again in Heaven. Praise God I know that much :) That does bring a smile to my face.

Knowing that one day I will be in Heaven and there will be no pain, THANK GOD!!!, and I will see all the loved ones that have gone on to be with the Lord, give me hope. I cant wait till the day when God will wipe away all my tears and I no longer live in pain from a day to day bases, that is exciting in itself.

Strong cookie???

I have always told people that I was a strong cookie....I thought I was tough and able to handle anything that was thrown my way. Well these days I am not so tough. This cookie is crumbling. It has been very hard dealing with the arthritis and the back pain and all the other stuff in my life. I am trying to trust that God has a plan and he will work it out but it is harder than it seems, when you feel so bad all the time and I wonder why I have to go through this at this point in my life. Now that I don't think I am so tough anymore, I have people tell me "you will be ok, you are a tough cookie" I always smile and say I sure hope so. My prayer is that this can be fixed without surgery. I do know this, I am not alone. I have my family and Todd there with me, and most of all...I have God. I know that they will be there encouraging me.

Stronger for it...........I think????

Ever thought that you pretty much had about all you could take and that nothing else go wrong in your life??? well I think we have all been there.....as a matter of fact I am there. I have been struggling with my arthritis for four years now and then school, graduation, flood, and now the process of rebuilding and more school ( just harder) and some other things that I have been struggling with has all been a little bit of a challenge. Well to make it all a little bit more fun, almost two weeks ago on Sunday my leg began to hurt, I thought it as nothing but everyday instead of getting better it got worse. I went to the doctor on Wednesday of that week and she thought it could be nerve related so she wanted me to do and MRI on the following Monday. She gave me crutches to walk with cuz I could barely walk on my left foot at all. I was so worried but I kept praying and having faith it would get better. Well my parents went out of town and my friend Shawna was staying with me and we went and did some stuff that weekend and I was feeling bad on Sunday so I tried to call in to work and not go but they were insisting that I come in. Well I called my nurse and talked to her about how it was doing and told her that at times it was turning purple and she told me I needed to go to the ER. So I hobbled to where Shawna was and told her we had to go to the ER. So we headed to the hospital. I called my parents and told them and called mu uncle to come up there with me. As I was in the ER I was worried and scared and didn't know what to think. The did x-rays and an ultrasound and still couldn't find why my whole leg hurt form my foot to my back. They gave me medicine and sent me home. I proceeded with my MRI on Monday and was doing a little better, well I could walk without my crutches. I went out with Todd and met his dad, went to school the next day and was ok. I decided that I would call yesterday and see if they had the results yet. They did.

I have a protruding disk in my lower back which was causing pressure and the pain. All I could do was sit there and cry. I don't need this I have enough issues is all I could say. This sudden feeling of fear and some anxiety came over me and I couldn't stop crying. I have and appointment with a Neurosurgeon this coming Tuesday and we will see what they say. I am very scared of the whole idea of surgery. But I know my God is bigger and he will give me strength. I just need prayer. I will make it through.

Happiness is the best medicine (at least to me)

OK so its been a couple months I think since Todd and I have been dating. I say I think because I just have not been keeping count. I figured the last two times I had a boyfriend I did and it didn't last very long...so I thought I should change some things. My life has been very chaotic since last May and with everything that has been going on I have been having some battles in my life. Not only physical struggles but emotional struggles and spiritual struggles. I have always wanted a man that would go to church with me not because I wanted him to go but because he wanted to go. I want a man that I can have talks about Bible stuff with and wont turn his nose up at it. Well when Todd and I had just started talking he brought the subject of church up and asked if I went to church, I said yes and told him where I went. We were just friends and he would go when he was able to, which is due to his funky work schedule.

Well when we actually started becoming interested in each other he wanted to go to church with me. He would go with me when he was not at work to begin with. Well he begin to slip and he begin to hit and miss. So I thought to myself " here we go again just another guy that was going cuz I wanted him to." I started e-mailing his mother and we talked about some things and she was so glad that he was in church still and I thought to myself that he only goes every now and then. I didn't want to tell her that though so I just kept my mouth shut. He went home in September for his brothers wedding and of course went with his family. Well after he came home his mom started calling me. she asked me the other day when she called me if he was going to church and that she was worried that he wasn't going to go any more, I just sat for a sec and thought to myself. I then told her that I was too, but all I can do is pray that God will work in his heart and he will want to go back to church. She agreed with me and that was the end of that conversation.

My heart has been heavy for alot of things. I know that I am not perfect but God loves me any way. I know I have made some really bad choices and the past year and regret every one of them. I have done some things that I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have done. I have asked for forgiveness over and over again. I know that God casts our sins as far as the east is from the west but I just some how don't know how he could forgive me when I still feel so bad about it. This is where that spiritual battle comes in. I have issues with having faith and trust. Trust is a hard thing for me when I have been lied to over and over by people that I trusted with my life and heart. Faith comes into play when I have no one to turn to when I need them and having to have faith that God is going to be there for me. He hasn't failed me yet. But still sometimes there is always that underlying doubt that he will, even though I know he will not.

I guess trusting and having faith go hand in hand. well anyway back to Todd :) he has been soo good to me. He has been the one person that I have been able to trust. (still hard even though I do trust him) I have had issues with trust in the past two relationships. And he has taught me that no matter what I think in my head that he will still be there. I have this problem that when they don't call I think that they don't like me or something and I have been trying to learn that that may not always be the case. He has been very helpful in that venture. I have gotten so much better. I believe that right now in my life he has been my angel. He has in my eyes saved me from so many things that I could have done and from who I could have been. If not for him I would still be in a relationship that would have gotten me nowhere in life. He gave me the strength to walk away and never look back, and for that I will always be grateful.

But needless to say I always here people say that "laughter is the best medicine." Well in my opinion "happiness is the best medicine." Because right now I am happy, I still have my battles I must fight but I am happy with what God has given me.

Getting better all the time....

There is this song that says, "Its gettin better all the time." I have had that song in my head lately. After all this with Chris I decided that I couldn't take the lies anymore and did not want to live my life with that in my relationship. After a nice long talk with my adopted big sis, Shelly Paulk, I decided I couldn't live in that mess of a relationship. I had made up my mind I was just going to walk away and put it behind me, let the past be the past and go on with life. I wasn't going to answer his calls or text messages. I was doing good. I told Todd, a guy I met from Chris's flight, I was done and thanked him for telling me the truth. Well that was on Friday night and then on Saturday night he kept calling me and texting me. I told him not to call me back and please leave me alone. Well he didn't get the message. So to make a long story short I had several people tell him to leave me alone. I knew that if I talked to him or I saw him I would get weak and take him back and that was not what I wanted. He was borderline harassment that night and finally my dad called him and asked him to leave me alone or he would call his 1st Seargent. He has finally left me alone, I think.

I have done so much thinking through all this. I was very afraid that he might get stupid and come try to find me, I spent alot of time praying the past couple days, that God would keep me safe and keep him from doing anything stupid. I began to wonder how people live their entire lives without believing that there is a God. How can you go through what I have went through not only with Chris but with my arthritis and have no hope of anything. How do they live with cancer and death and all the things that life gives us without hope? That is how I get through, I have hope that my God will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory. So why should i even fear that Chris would do something I mean I have God, he wont let anything happen that isnt supposed to happen.

Well I now must say it has been a long road and it is not even close to being over, but I have hope that God will be with me the entire way, every step.

Total Brokenness

This past week has been so hard for me. I have not been able to focus on anything but Chris. As of today we have officially broken up. But we both agree that it is whats best for right now. We hope that in the future when we have both had time to grow up that we will get back together but for now we are friends and that is all. It has by far been one of the hardest things I have had to do. But I have faith that if this is the one that God has for me He will bring us back together. My prayer now is that God works in both our lives as we go one to live each day. That he will show us His plan for our lives and help us both to grow closer to him. So keep us both in your prayers. I know I have to remember that his plan is way better than mine, and it will be worth whateve he gives me.

Struggling.......

Wow! I found out tonight that my boyfriend will be leaving for Iraq ( or somewhere overseas) in just a few short weeks. He told me and when I got off the phone, I just sat and cried. I knew that the day would come when he told me that but I was hoping it would be alot later than sooner. I don't know how I am going to handle it, But this I do know that God is good and he wont give me anything I can't handle. So I am going to trust that He will give me the strength that I need. And aways be in prayer for the both of us. I know I will be always praying.

Even A Soldier Cries

There he stands without a sound
He serves his country with pride
Strong as a rock
Tough as a nail
He looks in the mirror, fixes his beret
Hugs his wife, and walks away
To the Sandbox he must go
And the world doesn't know
How he crys in the night
Sitting in the sand
Of that deserted land
Hidden from the world
Is his pain
Even a soldier cries
Everything is alright
We will be OK
I miss you more each day
Words he hears from the one he loves
Tears stream down from his face
Yes, Even a soldier cries
They fight for you and I
The give their lives
Freedom comes when a soldier cries
For his home he sees
The blessed U.S.A
The tear of a soldier
For the love of his country
Yes, Even a soldier cries

~~Katherine Ward