YAY and NAY

Well we found out this past week or so that Todd will not be going to Iraq...(that's the YAY) But my brother is in Afghanistan...(that's the NAY) When he told us he was leaving I was very sad but then they kept delaying his leaving so I was thinking maybe they will cancel his deployment. But this past Monday he flew out, I found out and I just wanted to cry, I mean its my brother out there fighting for my freedom. I had to take a moment to pray and regroup.

Sometimes I wonder why people always want to go to war. Its always the civilians that want us to go to war, they don't understand the impact that war has on the families of the guys that are over there. They leave their comfort zone and go fight for them and some of them just don't even care, they are not even grateful. Me, coming from a military family and my brother and boyfriend in the military, want to tell these people to get a grip and I want them to see how hard it is. If they could walk in my sister-in-laws shoes or mine or my moms and see how hard it is on the families they would not be screaming for us to go to war, instead they would be begging for us NOT to go. But of course I cant make them understand because well they just wont.

I don't know what brought that thought on but it is always on my mind. I am very thankful that they serve to protect my freedoms. Todd, Robert, and my dad are all my heroes, I love them all and pray with all my heart that Robert comes home to his wife and son. But I am thankful that Todd is not going anywhere, and dad, well dad is retired so he ain't going anywhere either :)

Well that was my thought for today, I am going to bed now.

Been there...Done that...Got the t-shirt

I love that saying..."been there...done that.....got the t-shirt" I have many times said that in my few years of life. Well yesterday my good friend I graduated high school with text me and told me that her boyfriend of the past 7 months broke up with her. I was so incredibly shocked!!!! If you knew my friend you would understand why it was soooo shocking. She has not been the one to hold a relationship for that amount of time. I really thought that she had found some one that really was good for her.

She was soo happy and I loved seeing her like that. The joy that was in her cuz she was just so happy. And to get that text my heart just dropped into my stomach. I stopped and then began to text her back. I asked her what happened and she explained what he said and then asked me to call him and ask him what was going on. I told her of course I would. So I did. He didn't answer but he did call me back and I talked to him for a good 20 minutes. He told me that he felt like this was what God wanted for his life and it was very hard for him. He felt like he was pretending to love her and just didn't feel right. I talked to him about it and I told him that I knew how he felt. I have "been there...done that.." After I hung up with him I just sat in the jeep in the parking lot and began to cry. Not for me but because I knew this was going to be hard to be her friend because I know how she feels and how he feels. I have been in both there shoes. I didn't know what I was going to tell her, I mean I am her friend and I know what she wants me to say but I know its not what she needed to hear. I knew that I needed to be what she needed not what she wanted.

I prayed and texted her back and she immediately called me. I was nervous....She asked what he said. I began with the conversation saying that I am not going to say what she wanted me to say but what she needed. I told her what he said and his side of the story. Before she could say anything i kept talking. I began to explain to her that I know where he is coming form and where she is coming from. I encouraged her the best I knew how and was in prayer the whole time. She accepted it quite well. I explained to her that God puts us through trials to sometimes teach us things. When we don't learn those things he will keep putting us through them until we learn our lesson. I personally know how that goes, "been there...done that.." "still there...still doing that.."

Some days I often sit and think about my life and the things that God has let me go through. I have lived with arthritis now for five years. That in itself is a struggle, and constant battle. I am so thankful that God has brought me through what he has and made me who I am today. The past year or so has been very difficult for me not only spiritually but emotionally and physically. Four days after my high school graduation (five months ago) my house flooded and God brought another trial of faith into my life. There have been many days when the stress and anxiety of having a disaster zone for your home gets to you. the place you call home is supposed to be a place you want to go when you want to get away from the world. Not me, when I want to get away from the world home is the last place I want to go. It has been a journey that I some days hope ends very soon but is still going on day by day by day. And day by day I am learning something new, how to trust and have faith, love people no matter what. Give even when no gives to you.

I have had my selfish moments when I think to myself, "why help them, they don't help me?" But then... I think bout the times when I have helped people and feel so much better. Like yesterday. I didn't have to stay on the phone with Candace for an hour, I didn't have to encourage her or stop and pray with her, giver her verses to read that will help her. I didn't have to. But I felt so much better after I did. Often times when we don't want to give but we do it anyway we get so much more in return than we could ever imagine. I was on an emotional high after I got off the phone with her. i felt like God really used me in her life.

Looking back on my life and what I have been through, I am grateful that God did what he did in my life so that I was able to help someone else through there struggle..because, "been there...done that...got the t-shirt..."

Happiness is the best medicine (at least to me)

OK so its been a couple months I think since Todd and I have been dating. I say I think because I just have not been keeping count. I figured the last two times I had a boyfriend I did and it didn't last very long...so I thought I should change some things. My life has been very chaotic since last May and with everything that has been going on I have been having some battles in my life. Not only physical struggles but emotional struggles and spiritual struggles. I have always wanted a man that would go to church with me not because I wanted him to go but because he wanted to go. I want a man that I can have talks about Bible stuff with and wont turn his nose up at it. Well when Todd and I had just started talking he brought the subject of church up and asked if I went to church, I said yes and told him where I went. We were just friends and he would go when he was able to, which is due to his funky work schedule.

Well when we actually started becoming interested in each other he wanted to go to church with me. He would go with me when he was not at work to begin with. Well he begin to slip and he begin to hit and miss. So I thought to myself " here we go again just another guy that was going cuz I wanted him to." I started e-mailing his mother and we talked about some things and she was so glad that he was in church still and I thought to myself that he only goes every now and then. I didn't want to tell her that though so I just kept my mouth shut. He went home in September for his brothers wedding and of course went with his family. Well after he came home his mom started calling me. she asked me the other day when she called me if he was going to church and that she was worried that he wasn't going to go any more, I just sat for a sec and thought to myself. I then told her that I was too, but all I can do is pray that God will work in his heart and he will want to go back to church. She agreed with me and that was the end of that conversation.

My heart has been heavy for alot of things. I know that I am not perfect but God loves me any way. I know I have made some really bad choices and the past year and regret every one of them. I have done some things that I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have done. I have asked for forgiveness over and over again. I know that God casts our sins as far as the east is from the west but I just some how don't know how he could forgive me when I still feel so bad about it. This is where that spiritual battle comes in. I have issues with having faith and trust. Trust is a hard thing for me when I have been lied to over and over by people that I trusted with my life and heart. Faith comes into play when I have no one to turn to when I need them and having to have faith that God is going to be there for me. He hasn't failed me yet. But still sometimes there is always that underlying doubt that he will, even though I know he will not.

I guess trusting and having faith go hand in hand. well anyway back to Todd :) he has been soo good to me. He has been the one person that I have been able to trust. (still hard even though I do trust him) I have had issues with trust in the past two relationships. And he has taught me that no matter what I think in my head that he will still be there. I have this problem that when they don't call I think that they don't like me or something and I have been trying to learn that that may not always be the case. He has been very helpful in that venture. I have gotten so much better. I believe that right now in my life he has been my angel. He has in my eyes saved me from so many things that I could have done and from who I could have been. If not for him I would still be in a relationship that would have gotten me nowhere in life. He gave me the strength to walk away and never look back, and for that I will always be grateful.

But needless to say I always here people say that "laughter is the best medicine." Well in my opinion "happiness is the best medicine." Because right now I am happy, I still have my battles I must fight but I am happy with what God has given me.

Its my party and I will cry if I want to!!!!

Well tomorrow is my birthday, Big 19. I am soo very excited, some people dont get excited when its there birthday, but me on the other hand, I always get excited when this day comes. I guess cuz it can be all about me all day long!!! Thats awesome LOL. Well since tomorrow is Todds work weekend and he cant take me tomorrow night we are going out tonight. He is taking me to my favorite restaurant in the world, Olive Garden. Then we are gonna go see a movie. I wanted t o get all dolled up cuz he has never seen me dressed up before so I thought what a perfect night for him to see. I went and bought a new dress and new shoes, my present to myself, and went and got my nails done and am doing my hair really pretty. I hope we have a blast!!!

Well since it turned out that I have to work tomorrow night as well my parents decided that they would take me out to lunch on Sunday and invited some other people to come as well. I am very excited about this weekend!!!