Happiness is the best medicine (at least to me)

OK so its been a couple months I think since Todd and I have been dating. I say I think because I just have not been keeping count. I figured the last two times I had a boyfriend I did and it didn't last very long...so I thought I should change some things. My life has been very chaotic since last May and with everything that has been going on I have been having some battles in my life. Not only physical struggles but emotional struggles and spiritual struggles. I have always wanted a man that would go to church with me not because I wanted him to go but because he wanted to go. I want a man that I can have talks about Bible stuff with and wont turn his nose up at it. Well when Todd and I had just started talking he brought the subject of church up and asked if I went to church, I said yes and told him where I went. We were just friends and he would go when he was able to, which is due to his funky work schedule.

Well when we actually started becoming interested in each other he wanted to go to church with me. He would go with me when he was not at work to begin with. Well he begin to slip and he begin to hit and miss. So I thought to myself " here we go again just another guy that was going cuz I wanted him to." I started e-mailing his mother and we talked about some things and she was so glad that he was in church still and I thought to myself that he only goes every now and then. I didn't want to tell her that though so I just kept my mouth shut. He went home in September for his brothers wedding and of course went with his family. Well after he came home his mom started calling me. she asked me the other day when she called me if he was going to church and that she was worried that he wasn't going to go any more, I just sat for a sec and thought to myself. I then told her that I was too, but all I can do is pray that God will work in his heart and he will want to go back to church. She agreed with me and that was the end of that conversation.

My heart has been heavy for alot of things. I know that I am not perfect but God loves me any way. I know I have made some really bad choices and the past year and regret every one of them. I have done some things that I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have done. I have asked for forgiveness over and over again. I know that God casts our sins as far as the east is from the west but I just some how don't know how he could forgive me when I still feel so bad about it. This is where that spiritual battle comes in. I have issues with having faith and trust. Trust is a hard thing for me when I have been lied to over and over by people that I trusted with my life and heart. Faith comes into play when I have no one to turn to when I need them and having to have faith that God is going to be there for me. He hasn't failed me yet. But still sometimes there is always that underlying doubt that he will, even though I know he will not.

I guess trusting and having faith go hand in hand. well anyway back to Todd :) he has been soo good to me. He has been the one person that I have been able to trust. (still hard even though I do trust him) I have had issues with trust in the past two relationships. And he has taught me that no matter what I think in my head that he will still be there. I have this problem that when they don't call I think that they don't like me or something and I have been trying to learn that that may not always be the case. He has been very helpful in that venture. I have gotten so much better. I believe that right now in my life he has been my angel. He has in my eyes saved me from so many things that I could have done and from who I could have been. If not for him I would still be in a relationship that would have gotten me nowhere in life. He gave me the strength to walk away and never look back, and for that I will always be grateful.

But needless to say I always here people say that "laughter is the best medicine." Well in my opinion "happiness is the best medicine." Because right now I am happy, I still have my battles I must fight but I am happy with what God has given me.